THE SISTERHOOD, and an emotional plea....

salaam,

I am feeling very excited at the moment, i am finally taking control over my life a little, doing stuff for me ..and not for everyone else...okay okay I am still at their beck and call, but the difference is that I am doing things for myself too..... im so excited I spontaneously attended this islamic talk and had the opportunity to meet fellow sisters...OH WOW it was great, the sisterhood is great ALHAMDULILAH!!!i mean i have never been around so many sisters, i felt at peace and quite emotional inside. I also enrolled my self on an Islamic course...i didnt give myself much time to think about it because I knw that i would have ended up thinking about cooking and claening for mil.....but this is ultimately to please Allah and gain knowledge and I am so excited about learning. I think it will help the bouts of depression I have, in turn maybe I will be able to deal with my inlaws in a better way. I know they are not gonna be really happy for me but frankly i dont care, Allah help me please.

anyways pray that this goes okay. I had an incident recently where by my mil said a few horrible things, and i got upset...BUT i didnt say anything to her, just kept myself to myslef. She in turn stopped talking to me completely I mean she was really really nasty. and very childish. I tried to talk to her as normal, but she wasnt having it ....anyways it was getting to me by the third day, its hard when you are in the same house as the person who is giving you the cold shoulder. On the 3rd day she goes to me really horribly " you were angry with what i said the other day werent you"
I said to her " did i say anything to you? did i shout or do anything?" No she replied but i could tell you were angry ......oh Allah Im not even allowed to show any emotion at all, they shout and pick and i am meant to smile and say yes plaese can you keep belittling me in front of everyone. i took a deep breath and said am i not allowed to show any emotion at all, am I not human....taking back by my response she calmed down and said ..yes of course you are....i then asked her "plaese tell me when ( then i named some members of the family)do so and so, they are rude to you, they go against everything that you do, yet you never show any anger towards them and me, i only have to do a small small thing and you take your anger outr on me like i have done the worst thing in the world...at this point i was crying.....she replied by saying " well i tell you how i feel about them" i said yes but even when they have angered you, you are still talking to them nicely. and me i do hardly anything and you are treat me so. she then said "i havent treated you in this manner before" ( this shows two that she was fully aware of the fact tghat hse was being completely unreasonable and acting like a total cow) i replied by saying no, but it was a lie she has always been like this to me, the only difference was that previously i had never said anything to her about it, but i was already drained from the current session of bitchiness that I didnt want to contradict her.

my friends she is a very difficult woman to live with ........every member of HER family have said that, if her own family cant live with her ways, tell me how I am supposed to? I have always put her first so now no matter how much she makes me feel guilty I am gonna do things for myself. pray to Allah that I am successful in my venture.

I saw this lady at the meeting, whos mother in law had passed away recently...the funny thing is the lady looked at peace the day i went to visit her on er mils funeral, almost like relief....she too lived with her inlaw, isnt that awful? that you make someones life so hell that your death is relief for that person.....i hope that i am wrong.

A lady that I know recently said of her mother in law " Alhamdulilah she is dead" isnt that awful for some one to say that about you? i wish daughter and mother in laws could live in peace, why control your dil so much that she feels relief at your death? I have forgiven my inlaws so many times and yet they continue to mess things up for me. Allah guide us all. I know what you are thinking it cant be one sided right? that I too must be a cow? i alwyas try and be the best daughter in law that i can, i do not go out of my way to hurt or upset them, i am constantly thinking about what they might say when i do something, to the extent that i suffer from panic attacks during the day and in the night time as i am falling asleep my body shakes so violently that I am scared that I will give my self a heart attack. i do not know if there is a connection.
I am scared to even leave a dish on the sink lest they might be angry that i have not washes it straight away......i am scared of oversleeping, on the rare ocassions that i have they have made it known to me. I am scared to do the little things in life that most of you would not think twice about....

Have you been scared that it may be past 9 a.m in the morning on a weekend before you get up?

have you been scared that you have been out for two hours. with your hub?

do you have to wait till every person in the househld has gone to the toilet before you can go in?

do you fear the fact that your fil maybe in your bedroom when you next go in?

do you fear that your letters may have been read, or your shopping looked at?

do you fear that each item of a recipt has to be accounted for, if you made the mistake of leaving it in the carrier bag?

do you fear the fact that most members of the family think it okay to go to your room, take stuff without your permission?

Do you fear about what you wear, that it will be commented on even if it meets all islamic requirements? it will be cursed if its short and laughed at if its too long...but that in your own house not your out door clothes?

do you fear that what you buy for your kids will be scoffed at, or need to be accounted for?

do you fear that though yiu have been slaving on the cooker making food for the family, that whenh you want to bake a small treat for you or kids that the gas bill is mentioned?
im getting upset now.......

the list could go on and on, may be another day.....a decade of living in fear has serious implications, you know what amazes me is that I have not got grey hair ( mashaAllah...plaese say mashaAllah)

what I am saying is please dont judge me, or about my blog, the things i write i have lived and am still living in fear i dont want to anymore and little by little i want to free myself, so that i too dont see the day ( If it happens that I outlive my mil/fil) that I say Alhamdulilah they are dead. That is awful to say about another fellow MUSLIM.

Ranting......

assalamulaikum,



I cant believe it has been so long since i wrote, I have actually missed my blogging friends! I hope all is well with everyone!



Well i guess i better update you all with whats been happening...there have been some positive changes in my life, small but positive. I am trying to deal with criticism from the inlaws better, it so hard. let me run by a few instances, things that are so petty but they get to you when this nit picking is constant.



Okay so the fasts in the uk were quite long from about half 4 a.m to 8.15 p.m, what i would do after iftaar ( after putting kids to bed) was just to sit down and just eat a few of the things that i craved during the day...just little bits of everything, by no means binge eating.... anyways my fil announces to all oh look she is eating this and then she will have that and then that, i was taken back as i hadnt realised he was watching what i was eating...anyways i ignored it. The next day he preceded to list my little snacks again and i laughed it off saying oh you forgot to mention my fizzy drink. the day after i was told by mil not to eat infront of my fil, and to stay in the kitchen......can you believe that i had to hide and eat!!! what is tht not crazy???? but it is okay for him to have his tea, biscuits etc etc....



anyways for iftaar i made my own little bits and pieces ( of course i made enough for everyone) fil would come in saying you have made too many things ( i understand that you should not overeat during ramadan particularly, but i dont think it was so much) anyways after two days ofthis complaning, i decided the day after not to bother making anything and eat leftovers, fil comes in ...why havent you made your things today, theres only a few things.....oh man he drives me crazy!!!



Also i was told how it was inappropriate to visit my mother during ramadan. and for all of you that didint know it is also not good to go to iftaaris when you are invited...my mil calls them iftaar parties what nonsense she says, i told her that it was actually good to eat with fellow muslims but oh no! I mean check this out we had an invite and do you know what she did she turned around and told the person to bring the food over to her house! oh man she really cracks me up sometimes. anyways there is this crazy thing in bengali culture whereby the girls family bring food or iftaari to her inlwas, there are rules:



father gives to the daughter



brother gives to the sister



nephew gives to his aunty



do you see a pattern? yes thats right its essentially the brides family keeping those inlaws happy!!! fasting is not about making people suffer by making them spend loads of mioney and making them travel miles and miles to fufil a stupid cultural duty. see i wouldnt mind but the thing is i am not allowed to do the same for my parents.... am i wrong in this? maybe there is something i do not know , but you see these inlaws actually make out that it is theor God given right and that really really annoys me. see if my parents really were doing to see me and just give iftaari thats fine but i know its not, its for them!! aarrrrgggghhhh



aarrrgggh thats todays rant over, gotta go, i really hope taht you are all well, missed u all

Spare a moment.....

I know I said that I wasnt going to write in ramadhan, that was because i didnt want to reflect on the negativity in my life during such a blessed month...so I am not gonna write about the million and one things that are eating me up inside, but I am writing to ask all of your to do something for me, please I ask you not to take it lightly, because I truly believe in the power of prayer. I have to make some decisions and very fast please pray that those decisions are the right ones, and please pray that I do not back down to any emotional guilt. Please remember me in your duas....as I will InshaAllah remember all my blogging friends in my duas. (sorry for not getting abck to everyone who left a comment in my last post, my time on blog land is limited at the moment...but thank you all for thinking of me, love you all)

update

Salaam,
I cant believe how long its been since i last written! I had not noticed that my background had been removed so i have just put one on temp until i can fix it. Also I read Jana little blog post on me only the other day....how sweet, thank you Jana, that really touched me. I am so sorry for just going like that i really just havent had the time to blog its been manic here, but I have missed the blogging community so much (((HUGS)))))...also a big apology for not continuing my story on my private blog, i havent checked that in agaes!

well what can I say, since the last time I wrote there have been so many incidents, so many events so much tension within myself, but Allah has also given me some respite from all of this as well. My inlaws are in full working order, my mil ...well what can i say things are different between us, not a good different mind you....even though I have known her for almost a decade i cant work that woman out. She is having trouble dealing with my new attitude, which is not anything bad just me silently getting on with my life only difference is I am telling her I am doing this and that rather than asking her permission...for heavens sake I am a grown woman and a mother too.

my mother in law is playing a very childish game and i have decided not to play her games, if she wants to spend her time being grumpy and picking on me then Allah help her, i am not gonna react to her bitchiness, I am not gonna let her make me feel guilty about anything. I do not need to ask her permission if i want to go to town, or take my kids out. I have spent too much time doing this crap. what I am gonna do is do the little things in life which normal people wont think twice about and not feel all panicky. ...it is hard though, like the other day I went out with my hub and we surpassed our two hour time limit and it was hard to stay calm , as inside i was thinking of how she would react......I am sure that i will get there eventually. please pray for me.

Im not gonna be writing during ramadhan , so happy ramadhan to everyone.
I hope that we can all make the most of this blessed month, plesae rememeber me in yiour prayers.
love you all always

Oh T.V how I envy thee!

For a poxy box, you get so much attention. Everyone loves you and wants to engage with you. I get envious...my husband he can stare at you for hours on end, I wish he would stare at me so....you make him laugh, you keep him entertained you are a better wife than i will ever be. You can also control my inlaws, they love you so much, I guess I should be grateful to you, you do shut them up for a while. but you do cause fights in our household , bangla t.v versus cartoons, or cartoons versus football, the one who screams the loudest gets you, you must love people fighting over you. I should not be jealous as sometimes you do help me forget about the misery that i live in.....but i choose not to get too involved in you lest i neglect my duties. They cannot live without you,really they cannot, do you know how you came to be, our last set died on us, we had no telly for 5 hours yes i counted, they got a replacement from a friend, until you were bought, very very quickly. You are so precious that no one even touches you, just gather around you in a circle, and stare at you mouths gaping and wide eyed.....i guess you are quite amazing, for a poxy box.

cant keep anything from them

My mil has a very bad habit ofchecking receipts, like if my hub has done some shopping and left the receipt in the bag, she will go through each item , and see what he has bought. if she doesnt know what a particular thing is she will bug me about it asking what it is. My hub made the grave sin of actually buying me some goodies ( flowers) and laeving the receipt, she went through each item and then enquired what the thing was i knew she would have a problem if i told her what it was so i acted as if i didnt know, but she kept going on, ...i bet he has bought some chocolates or something and is keeping it to his self, she said...and so what?...then she asked me to enquire about this and found out what that mystery item was!

Dear me it is awful, they have to know about every little thing that happens and what my hub does. my fil enquired not long ago...i saw ( my hub) take something upstairs, it looked like he was hiding something...what was it..... i should of replied lingerie .....why does he have to know, if its a secret then telling you would mean it no longer was...what is up with them man!!!

Disgusting behaviour!

hi everyone hope that all is well, been occupying myself with a few things lately, which hasnt ciome without its disapproval.

these are just random incidents that i am gonna rant about firstly
About two months ago i started to teach my kids Arabic. so After school, after they had eaten, played for a bit i would sit with them for an hour.....it is difficult enough teaching kids and with the TV blasting in the background, i dont know about you but that is no teaching environment, they just dont care! anyways i did this for a week, and I started to get really angry, if you can see that I am teaching then surely have the courtesy of taking the tv off or if that is so bad at least have the volume down. so yeah it was getting pretty riduculous and i gave up just couldnt take it anymore. After two months of no teaching them , my fil enquired, why have you stopped teaching them, its because of this new hobby of yours right ( i had only been occupied with this hobby for the last two three days , ...i turned around and said not nicely...( yes i think i am beginning to develop a back bone) ...as a matter of fact i havent taught them in the last two months, "why" he enquired...because of that tv it is difficult to concentrate when the tv is on i dont like it, makes me mad....oh we will put the tv off when you need to taech them. mil goes no it ibetter that you take them to your bedroom to teach.....(what the hell, there is no space )unless we sit on the bed. .....okay so after this i thoughht so now they kniow.

After two days of this converstaion, i sit with my kids and we start with our reading, the tv is off, fil comes into the room, and goes oh are you teaching them...thats good, and guess what he does switches the bloody tv on....i mean what the hell!!!!! i get so angry i just cant take it that i tell the kids to pack it all in!

my mil, has never had a nice thing to say about anything i do, she is getting cranky everyday, i hate it she has these bouts of giving me silence treatment, which use to make me so uncomfortable that i would try my best to get back in her good books, no more .....i have had enough. Her daughter really annoyed me the other day and i told mil this that she was being unreasonable, she wanted me to ferry her around even though i had things of my own to do, and not forgetting my kids, anyway as usual sil got her own way and mil stopped talking to me. At first i tried to make light conversation but realised she had gone in a mood and thought to myself enough is enough. I gave her a dose of her own treatment and completely ignored her like she wasnt even in the room, i just got on with my things without even looking in her direction. and guess what it worked she started talking to me again. She did this to me again yesterday, i was a little delayedin warming up her food, ( i had gone in the kitchen before her though) as i started warming stuff up, she goes ill do it myself and took the pan off me.....there was really no need for that. You see the food should have been warmed before she stepped foot in the kitchen...i tlooked at her and said okay with an attitude. so again came the silenece treatment, and so I played her game, and guess what she is back to normal.

she never gives me compliments in anything that i do or cook. Yesterday she made some sort of pudding and she was asking if it was nice to me and some one else that was present. I didnt say anything at all, the otgher lady did. You see I wasnt bitter, i was a nice person, but i realised you have to play there game there way or you get no where in life.