salaam,
I am feeling very excited at the moment, i am finally taking control over my life a little, doing stuff for me ..and not for everyone else...okay okay I am still at their beck and call, but the difference is that I am doing things for myself too..... im so excited I spontaneously attended this islamic talk and had the opportunity to meet fellow sisters...OH WOW it was great, the sisterhood is great ALHAMDULILAH!!!i mean i have never been around so many sisters, i felt at peace and quite emotional inside. I also enrolled my self on an Islamic course...i didnt give myself much time to think about it because I knw that i would have ended up thinking about cooking and claening for mil.....but this is ultimately to please Allah and gain knowledge and I am so excited about learning. I think it will help the bouts of depression I have, in turn maybe I will be able to deal with my inlaws in a better way. I know they are not gonna be really happy for me but frankly i dont care, Allah help me please.
anyways pray that this goes okay. I had an incident recently where by my mil said a few horrible things, and i got upset...BUT i didnt say anything to her, just kept myself to myslef. She in turn stopped talking to me completely I mean she was really really nasty. and very childish. I tried to talk to her as normal, but she wasnt having it ....anyways it was getting to me by the third day, its hard when you are in the same house as the person who is giving you the cold shoulder. On the 3rd day she goes to me really horribly " you were angry with what i said the other day werent you"
I said to her " did i say anything to you? did i shout or do anything?" No she replied but i could tell you were angry ......oh Allah Im not even allowed to show any emotion at all, they shout and pick and i am meant to smile and say yes plaese can you keep belittling me in front of everyone. i took a deep breath and said am i not allowed to show any emotion at all, am I not human....taking back by my response she calmed down and said ..yes of course you are....i then asked her "plaese tell me when ( then i named some members of the family)do so and so, they are rude to you, they go against everything that you do, yet you never show any anger towards them and me, i only have to do a small small thing and you take your anger outr on me like i have done the worst thing in the world...at this point i was crying.....she replied by saying " well i tell you how i feel about them" i said yes but even when they have angered you, you are still talking to them nicely. and me i do hardly anything and you are treat me so. she then said "i havent treated you in this manner before" ( this shows two that she was fully aware of the fact tghat hse was being completely unreasonable and acting like a total cow) i replied by saying no, but it was a lie she has always been like this to me, the only difference was that previously i had never said anything to her about it, but i was already drained from the current session of bitchiness that I didnt want to contradict her.
my friends she is a very difficult woman to live with ........every member of HER family have said that, if her own family cant live with her ways, tell me how I am supposed to? I have always put her first so now no matter how much she makes me feel guilty I am gonna do things for myself. pray to Allah that I am successful in my venture.
I saw this lady at the meeting, whos mother in law had passed away recently...the funny thing is the lady looked at peace the day i went to visit her on er mils funeral, almost like relief....she too lived with her inlaw, isnt that awful? that you make someones life so hell that your death is relief for that person.....i hope that i am wrong.
A lady that I know recently said of her mother in law " Alhamdulilah she is dead" isnt that awful for some one to say that about you? i wish daughter and mother in laws could live in peace, why control your dil so much that she feels relief at your death? I have forgiven my inlaws so many times and yet they continue to mess things up for me. Allah guide us all. I know what you are thinking it cant be one sided right? that I too must be a cow? i alwyas try and be the best daughter in law that i can, i do not go out of my way to hurt or upset them, i am constantly thinking about what they might say when i do something, to the extent that i suffer from panic attacks during the day and in the night time as i am falling asleep my body shakes so violently that I am scared that I will give my self a heart attack. i do not know if there is a connection.
I am scared to even leave a dish on the sink lest they might be angry that i have not washes it straight away......i am scared of oversleeping, on the rare ocassions that i have they have made it known to me. I am scared to do the little things in life that most of you would not think twice about....
Have you been scared that it may be past 9 a.m in the morning on a weekend before you get up?
have you been scared that you have been out for two hours. with your hub?
do you have to wait till every person in the househld has gone to the toilet before you can go in?
do you fear the fact that your fil maybe in your bedroom when you next go in?
do you fear that your letters may have been read, or your shopping looked at?
do you fear that each item of a recipt has to be accounted for, if you made the mistake of leaving it in the carrier bag?
do you fear the fact that most members of the family think it okay to go to your room, take stuff without your permission?
Do you fear about what you wear, that it will be commented on even if it meets all islamic requirements? it will be cursed if its short and laughed at if its too long...but that in your own house not your out door clothes?
do you fear that what you buy for your kids will be scoffed at, or need to be accounted for?
do you fear that though yiu have been slaving on the cooker making food for the family, that whenh you want to bake a small treat for you or kids that the gas bill is mentioned?
im getting upset now.......
the list could go on and on, may be another day.....a decade of living in fear has serious implications, you know what amazes me is that I have not got grey hair ( mashaAllah...plaese say mashaAllah)
what I am saying is please dont judge me, or about my blog, the things i write i have lived and am still living in fear i dont want to anymore and little by little i want to free myself, so that i too dont see the day ( If it happens that I outlive my mil/fil) that I say Alhamdulilah they are dead. That is awful to say about another fellow MUSLIM.
6 comments:
Salaam Sis Queen - Indeed, it is a horrible thing to imagine, that one would have to say "Alhamdulillah, they are dead" when referring to an in-law. I am seeing this same tension in my own family, to where the point the DIL has said bad things to my khala, but that she almost put in writing that she didn't want to live with my khala any longer, but stopped short of actually doing so and it's been going on almost since Day 1, the negative thoughts and words.
I am sure you are doing the best you can and I can't imagine having to go through what you are each day. Suppressing one's anger is something that our Prophet said is one of the most Faithful things one can do.
It just puzzles me why people would behave like this and make life more difficult than it already is - I mean, being a part of a joint-family, there is bound to be arguments, etc, but why make it something that appears essentially everyday or is always boiling under the surface, to put it lightly?
Is MIL that comfortable knowing that she's going to have to answer for all this one Day? I mean we all have to worry about such things, but why does she want to live like that? I know she isn't the only one as this MIL-DIL drama is widespread as we all know, I would think that she would want to avoid one bad thing, when there are so many other things that we know are harmful/wrong that we need to work on before we die (myself included of course).
Anyways, I'm happy to hear you that you had a great time with the sisters and enrolled in the Islamic class, I think that was a great move/decision, ma'sha'allah. All the best with that and May Allah (swt) Increase your knowledge - a du'a that I use (and need to moreso) when studying - Rabbi Zidni ilma - "Lord, Increase me in Knowledge" (Qur'an 20:114)
Lots of love Sis Queen!
Your lil Bro,
MF
May Allah gives you the strength to be patient & may He makes everything easy for you.
It's sad to me that your husband can't confront his parents and resolve theese issues and the way they treat you. At the end of the day he is loved by all. but under God he is the one responsibile when it comes to you and how you feel in his home.
A son should be respectful to his parents and also be able to talk to them freely and ask them to behave in a way God would want them to. All these years of stress will eventually result in something serious in health. I pray that God releive you from this and that you will always be in good health.
Wow sis, Assalamulaikum
I have stumbled across your blog by chance today and glad I did. I thought I had it bad. You are a carbon copy of me subhanallah in your personalty mannerism etc. You just seem to have it worse. But I'm really glad you are now being more fearless.
You never mention what your husband does about all these issues?
I would love to talk to you properly as we seem to have a lot in common. I myself made a blog but have only written once and kept it fully private. Felt like thats the only way to destress but at the same time I sound like a madwoman talking to myself. lol.
Inshallah will comment more later as thats the only way to communicate with you unless you are willing to share email. Keep your chin up inshallah and speak to you again soon. xxx
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