Prayers

so many thoughts rushing thriough my head, sometimes I feel brave and feel I can do it other times stupid anxiety sets in, I need to make this break, need to break the chains. I need to do it for myself and my kids. Allah give me the strength to pursue such big things. I ask myself do I want to regret all my youth being wasted and tied up in depression? No of course not. It will inshallah be okay I just got to do it for myself, for my kids. I want them to know the real me. I buy my kids ridiculous amounts of toys almost like, I cant explain it, a way of covering my guilt for being such a depressed and lousy human being. I want to give them more than just material goods. Allah give me the strength to take up such a big action, let me be successful in breaking away. Let not the years of abuse and brainwashing take over, keep me strong, Ameen. I know I can do it but will I let my weak self take over, the doormat that has been mentally abused for years on end....Allah Help me I beg of you and let me break away from the hell hole, let not all these stupid things torture my mind, people, society.I need to prove that I dont need them, i need to prove that I am capable, i need to show that I am strong! Please help me in my fight oh Almighty.