Explanation......and rather a long one too!

Assalamuaalykum,

To everyone who left comments on my last post i think you all deserve an explanation at the least, as this has come out of the blue.

I cant be exactly who I want because i am worried about being found out, the thing is i think about consequences, but there is nothing that people can actually do to me apart from give me the cold shoulder and for what? writing what I feel due to their actions....but it still bothers me. There is so much That I have in this heart of mine and I want to talk about it on my blog but the thing is it will give me away, I don't know who will be reading it. I get mini heart attacks when I see people from my neighbouring town visit...I just don't know what to do!


I have met so many diverse people on my blog, I have muslims and non muslims, I have make up artists, reverts, from so many backgrounds and if you know me then you will know I admire people who have reverted to Islam......so amazing, belly dancers, other religious groups, teenagers, mums and a few male readers too, and I think it is wonderful, I love variety and diversity, and without this blog I would not have met anybody. I did not think for a minute when I started writing this blog to myself that I would meet so many wonderful people. That is the disadvantage of going private. I really love my readers, some of the advice given believe it or not I have followed. There are some beautiful people that I have grown to love who have followed me on my journey, it has been around about 8 months I think could be 9. This blog has helped me vent my anger and refresh my mind, by writing and reading I am stopping my mind from turning into mush. I felt so down writing what i did yesterday and believe me your comments were so touching and I almost wanted to say....stop im not going anywhere!


I myself had thought when Sarah from faith in writing had said a while back that she was going to close her blog, how horrible i would feel if Sarah were to do that, and then I was thinking of other sisters that I have grown close to how I would hate it if they suddenly said good bye. ....I hate goodbyes....

My time at my mums is nearing its end and I feel sick at the thought of having to go back to my in laws house, how can I explain the feeling to you : dread, queasiness, sorrow. I know I will just fall into my stupid depression, I have enjoyed just writing normal nice things and going back there, you sisters will only find me blogging about depressing mundane things... ( see I think about your welfare)

The above things have been on my mind for a long time but yesterday I had no intention of saying what I did, when I woke up in the morning.............then i started to read some peoples blogs etc that are not on my blog list and I wish i never had stepped out of my little circle, because as I kept going I was shocked to say the least about what people were saying, it disillusioned me to hear what muslims were saying about fellow muslims.

Okay I believe that on your own blog you have the right to say what you want, people can like it or lump it, on the same reasoning I believe that people have the right to respond to something as they please, whether its liked or not, but to have someone ripped apart, I cant deal with, to have someone call someone disgusting names is atrocious. I felt really really upset, especially since I knew and like the person in question, it really hurt to read and may Allah give her the strength to stay strong.

I wish I could write freely to you all without the worry, I want to tell you all how everything happened what made me this person that I am. Do you sisters understand my dilemma? I do want to write....but i want to write without editing, i want to write uncut versions. .... please advise me what the best approach is. I will however be taking a break from it just till I can feel good about the whole blogging world. I am so so so sorry to my recent followers on this blog and my health blog, who have joined and now Im going, please hang on until I have cleared my head a bit. Just want you to know I LOVE YOU ALL, warts and all :)