Prayers

so many thoughts rushing thriough my head, sometimes I feel brave and feel I can do it other times stupid anxiety sets in, I need to make this break, need to break the chains. I need to do it for myself and my kids. Allah give me the strength to pursue such big things. I ask myself do I want to regret all my youth being wasted and tied up in depression? No of course not. It will inshallah be okay I just got to do it for myself, for my kids. I want them to know the real me. I buy my kids ridiculous amounts of toys almost like, I cant explain it, a way of covering my guilt for being such a depressed and lousy human being. I want to give them more than just material goods. Allah give me the strength to take up such a big action, let me be successful in breaking away. Let not the years of abuse and brainwashing take over, keep me strong, Ameen. I know I can do it but will I let my weak self take over, the doormat that has been mentally abused for years on end....Allah Help me I beg of you and let me break away from the hell hole, let not all these stupid things torture my mind, people, society.I need to prove that I dont need them, i need to prove that I am capable, i need to show that I am strong! Please help me in my fight oh Almighty.

Boys, booze and bad things!

Before I ramble i must clarify what a pushchair is it a stoller, you know those things you trap babies in and load any other child and shopping on to!

anyways on the subject of being grateful, i have a lot to be grateful for despite the things that make me fustrated at the moment....but i look forward to happier times. Anyway I am thinking more about my past my teen age years.

when I am with my husband and kids just chilling, I really do thank Allah that i do not have a past that i regret. I'm talking more on the way of boyfriends, drinking etc. I am glad that i was guided back then when these things can be tempting and with no good influences I am grateful those years went without anything happening...or that i never let anything happen. Actually this is not about being Asian or a mulsim just a human thing.

There were many guys who could have been prospectives, but Alhamdulilah i never fell for them or pursude any. I have to share one story with you though. My friend once begged me and another friend to come and meet her two friends (both male) at her village pub. I told her that i did not want to go...you dont have to drink she said ( i wouldnt even have a soft drink from those glasses, but thats jsut me) i told her that the problem was that it just looks bad a hijaabi going into a pub, i trust myself but what if a muslim kid were to see me entering a pub whta would they think? Or non muslims who knew that muslims shouldnt drink.....she reassured me that it wasnt that kind of pub and it was a quiet village pub type restaurant. so in the end i went.

anyways she I met her two friends and one of them was a very good looking dark haired guy! He was tall and had the nicest personality ever, i thought he was really nice. anyways when she was done we headed home in our own ways. when i met her at uni next my other friend and i asked about the two guys, did they say anything about us etc etc..she laughed and replied that the dark haired guy asked exactly the same thing as me and was pestering my friend, apparently he told her that he could not take his eyes off me ...lol! anyways the moral of this story is that i could have easily pursued this but I didnt. When i found out that he was interested that was the end of it for me. I never went with the friend to meet him again and avoided contact period. So I am glad that I can proudly say that my husband is the only man I have ever been with and pray that it always stays that way! Ameen.

Thank you Allah

Today I went out to town with my husband and kids, my husband went to put some shopping into the car and i told him that i would carry on and to meet me. I was in the shopping precinct and went to take the escalators with my pushchair. I have done this a million times, so i really dont know what happened, well actually i do, i for some reason lost my hold on the pushchair and i stumbled back as the stairs moved forwards, i tried to get a grip but couldnt and dropped down a nother step backwards pushchair and all. I continued to go down until two lovely teenagers held on to me and pushed me back on my legs....and stayed with me till we reached the top. I could not thank them enough. I really dread to think what would have happened had the two girls who were british white teenagers ( i say this because our teenagers do get a lot of stick!) had not been then. so I thank Allah once again from saving me from this calamity.

Bangladeshis and the covering

Assalamualikum,

some time ago I made a journey back home to my motherland. It was really nice to get a break from cold bitter UK weather! anyways I love bangladesh, it is in my view a lovely country. There are Niqaabis, hijaabs and women who are modestly clothed but do not wear hijaab. I am glad that my country does not impose any sort of hijaab police, forcing people to wear hijab for all the wrong reasons and in turn hating what is a peaceful religion.

It does make me laugh though about the outlook some natives have on hijaab. For instance i came across many cosuins and women folk who donned the full garb, Burqa, hijaab and niqaab. So far so good. this was all put on when leaving the house for shopping, visiting family friends etc. The bit that amused me was when these women folk actually reached say the home of their relative, friend etc, everything came off, and outfits with all its bling were in full exposure. Even the hijaab was loosened and replaced with a duppata ( scarf ) rather like the one below...and in some cases no hijaab at all!!!

Okay I am not perfect I do not wear niqqaab at all and the jilbab is just another form of covering for me. I just wear the hijaab and i dress modestly. I found it wierd that these ladies went to that extent of covering and then uncovered in front of non mahrem men...wierd? they look down on us for what they think is bad i.e stepping out the house without being wrapped head to toe in black. I am not perfect but i know not to uncover and show my hair to non mahrem men.. Some of them found it incredibly wierd that i did not show my hair at all during my time there ( the place was full of men..and the people that found it wierd were the men!

And check this out, One night i hadnt realised but a tuft of hair had managed to escape from underneath my hijaab ( i Had one of those caps and then a scarf on top and still!!!) anyways a male memeber teased me..."oh my GOD your hair is sticking out, ive seen ur hair!" CRISIS sort of thing laughing away, i hurried to try and fix it..... he continued to say Your hair is straight right and it is nice ( mashallah) ..... I just smiled and didnt say anything back and thought to myself yes the very reason your not supposed to see it. This guy had gone on at me about my hijaab and how i had it on 24/7 so it was like victory for him to see those strands ...whatever!

I have been tagged by MINTY!

Thanks minty for the tag, im sorry its a bit depressing.


things I was doing 10 years ago:

I was a student, enjoying life. Had friends.

single and independent very much involved with community activities and crazy about crafty things. Learning to drive.

Loving learning about Islam, was at an all imaan high

Very disciplined, outspoken, bubbly and happy

Really into my looks in terms of natural beauty, e.g home made masks, massage, didn't do make up apart from eyeliner.

5 things on my to do list

Organise my self, learn to control my fustration, get out of this hell hole

To experience a nice pregnancy without pointing fingers, to bring up a child and love it without anyone questioning their gender, colour or size.

Travel

Make my relationships better, Love my husband, be a better wife

be a better mother, sister and daughter.


snacks i like

Salads, especially Pizza Hut ones! YUM

crisps followed by a very cold fizzy drink

Chocolate ...I LOVE CHOCOLATE

Proper english style fish and chips YUMMMMMMYYYYY ( thats not a snack is it )

Indian food ( I LOVE SPICE)...again not a snack


Things i would do if i was a millionaire

Help my family with all their debts

Move away from all my inlaws as far as possible

get hired help for my MIL ( I would be gone so someone has to take over)

Help orphans and under priviliged children, build schools and mosques, places of education. Help the elderly.

I would invest and save for the future of my kids


5 places i lived

Bangladesh

uk - parents home

uk - Prison...sorry inlaws house


5 jobs i have ;had

I HAD a career in my chosen profession

housewife

slave

Full time mum ( that is a 24/7 job)


I am thinking about who to tag!

Laziness at its best!

she really does know how to take the piss. my sil came over yday she was going to view a house nearby ( walking distance) anyway she is a lazy sod and seeing as i was gonna go out to drop of a kid i told her that i would drop her off. before we leave the house she discovers that her mum has cooked her favourite food and asks to take some, so mummy dear packs a container for her. Now listen to this the most logical thing would be for her to take the container with her...oh no, she tells me she would like me to drop her off then drop off my kid, then go home pick the container then go to her house and drop it off....why cant u take it with you? I ask, how am i gonna carry it? ((Oh MY LORD CRISIS.....see those things that stick out of your shoulders they are called arms...use them...))this is the stupid mentality of these people, they would rather you do ten rounds for the convienence than lift a finger. Maybe thats the reason she is so fat. She is the only person that I know that has joined a gym, gone for sessions and put on weight. Well done great stamina and resolve.

Im back!

salaam mualikum,
hey everyone hows it all going? missed writing, actually i have been away on holiday, if you can call it that. I went to visit my homeland and i have a piece of advice for anyone planning a trip back home, do not go with your entire inlaw family....not a good move.

my sis in law singlehandedly managed to wreck my holiday...i wash my hand sof her...apparently she takes things out on me because she knows she can and i will still be there, is that a reason to take advantage of someone to hurt someone i dont think so.

im struggling really badly with my life at the moment, my inlaws, my own family i just want to take my kids and run. Im sick of people using me as a punch bag... i will write indepth in my private blog...and speak freely.

hope everyone is okay, by the way my last post was supposed to be based on my father and mother inlaw!