Just get over it!

sometimes you have to take a few steps back to go a few steps forward, when life becomes so difficult. When you think you just cant cope but we can surely we can, Allah said that he would not place a burden more than we can cope with..we have to believe and keep our faith strong in Allah and Inshallah that burden will get easier to carry and eventually you will a way to off load it. Sometimes when we lose hope that is when things do go wrong, because you are losing hope in Allah. Unfortunately if you are depressed you cannot think rationally every small thing is like the end of the world. And this is what I have to keep reminding myself that i must not lose faith or question my Lord but the real test is that I can bear it. My sister said to me that if in your life if you undergo a hardship, and from that event you grow closer to Allah and call on to him then it, the hardship, was for you a test. However ,if a tragedy befalls you and you grow distant from your Lord, from your faith then that trial, that event was for you a punishment.

so in the recent days I have been reading and reading articles all related to deen Mashallah, articles written by brothers and sisters in Islam. I feel that i have learned so much. I read some articles on anger management, which unfortunately due to my daily circumstances something that i suffer from. I was never like this before I was so calm. It stated that your environment can make you this way and it is something that you shoulld change.

Also I am trying to revive the passion for Islam, i want that contentment in my heart, I want that glow back on my face I want to be that women who held on to her beliefs so hard that it didnt matter what people thought because I knew it was for Allah. I will give you one such example. A couple of years before I got married I began wearing the hijaab, from then on i tried to do it properly, i.e i was very strict about who saw my hair, i didnt want to be one of those who took it off for a special ocassion. Now when I got married my dupatta ( head scarf that comes with indian clothes very long and wide and wedding ones are massive!) was very heavy. I told my mum that I wanted to wear hijaab underneath it but she got all panicky no no, if you wear a headscarf underneath the wedding duppata you will get too hot, you will faint blah blah......so how did i over come this.....if she wasnt gonna let me have a scarf that covered my hair neck properly then the only way round it was to bring the dupatta down so that it concealed my entire face...mum was okay with this. I went through my whole day like this only revaling my face to my female friends. My hubs extended family were disappointed they had come all this way and they didnt get to see the bride lol! anyway a lot of people critisced me for doing this saying that we werent in the stane ages, they did not respect the fact that this was something that I felt so strongly about and something i wanted to do!!! My point is despite the times, despite everything i kept my modesty and did not do soemthing i did not believe in,because my imaan was strong then, nothing like it is now. So I wanna take a few steps back and rediscover that woman that i was back then, the one i knew before she became the doormat and hired help.

I want to busy my self with islamic things, i want to show a positive side to Islam to my kids, i dont want them to see a depressed woman with no aim in her life.

Another test.

oh Allah you test ur slaves so much, plesae help my family through this difficult time. we have found out something that could change our family unit forever, and i pray to the Almightty to be kind and merciful to us, maybe we got it wrong. I cant even write about here or my private blog i just feel so lonely right now with no one here to even talk to. This is nothing to do with the inlaws its my own family. I feel so upset i wish someone would hug me and tell me its allright, i just want to be comforted i think i will need a hug from my kids. I ask you my dear friends to stop for a moment and pray for my family especially my parents as they will be affected the most, you dont have to leave a comment but I beg you please pray. Allah knows we need them. I am dreading the outcome of this and as usual it is me that has been landed with the role of sorting things out, i feel so weak, i know i am a mother and i am no longer 20 something but i feel like a kid i just want it all to go away.

has it happened to you?

when you really think you know someone, and then that person can look you right in the eye and lie so coldly and blatantly? Then you are left knocked for six and wondering did you ever really know that person, and you are not angry but hurt that you got this person oh so wrong. Who the hell is this person? in reality you can never know someone as well as you think you do. Best not to have expectations...best to lett it all go and never trust anyone.

Prayers

so many thoughts rushing thriough my head, sometimes I feel brave and feel I can do it other times stupid anxiety sets in, I need to make this break, need to break the chains. I need to do it for myself and my kids. Allah give me the strength to pursue such big things. I ask myself do I want to regret all my youth being wasted and tied up in depression? No of course not. It will inshallah be okay I just got to do it for myself, for my kids. I want them to know the real me. I buy my kids ridiculous amounts of toys almost like, I cant explain it, a way of covering my guilt for being such a depressed and lousy human being. I want to give them more than just material goods. Allah give me the strength to take up such a big action, let me be successful in breaking away. Let not the years of abuse and brainwashing take over, keep me strong, Ameen. I know I can do it but will I let my weak self take over, the doormat that has been mentally abused for years on end....Allah Help me I beg of you and let me break away from the hell hole, let not all these stupid things torture my mind, people, society.I need to prove that I dont need them, i need to prove that I am capable, i need to show that I am strong! Please help me in my fight oh Almighty.

Boys, booze and bad things!

Before I ramble i must clarify what a pushchair is it a stoller, you know those things you trap babies in and load any other child and shopping on to!

anyways on the subject of being grateful, i have a lot to be grateful for despite the things that make me fustrated at the moment....but i look forward to happier times. Anyway I am thinking more about my past my teen age years.

when I am with my husband and kids just chilling, I really do thank Allah that i do not have a past that i regret. I'm talking more on the way of boyfriends, drinking etc. I am glad that i was guided back then when these things can be tempting and with no good influences I am grateful those years went without anything happening...or that i never let anything happen. Actually this is not about being Asian or a mulsim just a human thing.

There were many guys who could have been prospectives, but Alhamdulilah i never fell for them or pursude any. I have to share one story with you though. My friend once begged me and another friend to come and meet her two friends (both male) at her village pub. I told her that i did not want to go...you dont have to drink she said ( i wouldnt even have a soft drink from those glasses, but thats jsut me) i told her that the problem was that it just looks bad a hijaabi going into a pub, i trust myself but what if a muslim kid were to see me entering a pub whta would they think? Or non muslims who knew that muslims shouldnt drink.....she reassured me that it wasnt that kind of pub and it was a quiet village pub type restaurant. so in the end i went.

anyways she I met her two friends and one of them was a very good looking dark haired guy! He was tall and had the nicest personality ever, i thought he was really nice. anyways when she was done we headed home in our own ways. when i met her at uni next my other friend and i asked about the two guys, did they say anything about us etc etc..she laughed and replied that the dark haired guy asked exactly the same thing as me and was pestering my friend, apparently he told her that he could not take his eyes off me ...lol! anyways the moral of this story is that i could have easily pursued this but I didnt. When i found out that he was interested that was the end of it for me. I never went with the friend to meet him again and avoided contact period. So I am glad that I can proudly say that my husband is the only man I have ever been with and pray that it always stays that way! Ameen.

Thank you Allah

Today I went out to town with my husband and kids, my husband went to put some shopping into the car and i told him that i would carry on and to meet me. I was in the shopping precinct and went to take the escalators with my pushchair. I have done this a million times, so i really dont know what happened, well actually i do, i for some reason lost my hold on the pushchair and i stumbled back as the stairs moved forwards, i tried to get a grip but couldnt and dropped down a nother step backwards pushchair and all. I continued to go down until two lovely teenagers held on to me and pushed me back on my legs....and stayed with me till we reached the top. I could not thank them enough. I really dread to think what would have happened had the two girls who were british white teenagers ( i say this because our teenagers do get a lot of stick!) had not been then. so I thank Allah once again from saving me from this calamity.